When eating is a chore, you know there's a bigger problem

I think part of the problem here is that eating has begun to feel a bit like a chore, at least when I am home. "Oh dear, now I have to go and get the blender out, and the juice, and the fruit, and the coconut oil. Oh, now I have to mix it all up and then I have to drink it."

I put it off indefinitely because I'd rather be doing something else. Then what happens? I find myself at 5pm either faint or really hungry. When you're faint you'll shove anything in your mouth to make it go away; same goes when you're hungry.

Today I was in the middle of watching my taped The Bachelor: After The Rose (priorities, ppl) and I knew I had to eat. I was ravenous. I also knew I'd "started over", which in my case means, well, eating. And eating well. But it was such a good Bachelor! I couldn't believe what I was seeing! I didn't want to leave!

But I'd started over.

Sometimes I think I like being hungry. Or I like denying myself in some way; it's like control. Maybe it's an outward expression of something going on inside of me, something ambiguous I cannot define and which I'm only now beginning to perceive. I don't know. I have wrestled with eating disorders in the past; it would not surprise me if there was a distorted emotional component charging this whole thing.

In any case, I ultimately made a spinach salad with seeds and some chicken breast. I ate it all. I felt better instantly, and in a lot of ways.

And then I finished After The Rose.

My God, did you people see that?