Each pound, a pound of flesh

I am down nearly ten pounds since this time last month.

It happened pretty quickly, actually, coinciding with a family member's release from the hospital (into my care) as well as the quickly intensifying chaos of my life. Again, and to reiterate, when I feel my life circumstances spinning out of control (i.e., I cannot make it better for my loved one, I cannot stop the inevitable change barreling toward my head) I take it out on my body. And it's not really "taking it out" so much as it is "taking control." My body becomes one of the only things I can control, and this in the form of what I put into my mouth (or do not), how much I move (or do not) or how often I nourish myself.

It's a delicate and ugly dance. Overriding logic forces me to make good choices when I concede to make choices at all. Good choices usually involve lots of vegetables, some fruit and a few lean proteins. It's just that there aren't a lot of them. Choices, that is. Eating, in particular.

I lost five pounds on raw, when I tried it. Since then I've incorporated the raw idea into my meal plans but have not focused on raw so much as whole foods. Good foods. Yet I did lose five pounds eating raw, even when I was stuffing myself with all that good food. And so even eating in that way (something I perceive as quite good for myself), I couldn't keep my weight steady or on. Add stress to that and here I am, I suppose, ten pounds down.

I think ultimately the structure and stricture of eating raw is very, very good for me, because it mimics the control exercised vis-a-vis my eating disorder while still nourishing my body. Having said that, I would give much in order to not need to control anything. To accept life as it is and myself as I am.

That is the work, I guess.

For more information on the truth about eating disorders, please read this article by Carolyn Friedman. I've read through it myself, and while I'd potentially put more emphasis on the media playing a pivotal role in the exacerbation of these diseases, I found it to be extremely insightful and helpful.