Day 2 Raw Ya'all

I have a surprising amount of energy, for real. Usually by the time I get home I am whacked out and ready for a good hour of zoning in front of the tube. Not these last couple of days. I'm not necessarily attributing it ALL to raw, but it's definitely different. Maybe it's because I'm happy with what I'm doing for myself? Could be. I also think, though, that when we eat living things we actually transfer the energy of that life into our own bodies. That's why fresh picked fruit/veggies are so superior to the veggies that are yes, fresh, but nonetheless have been sitting around on store shelves for awhile. The closer eaten to the time of life? The more of that life energy --- the raw nutrients and goodness --- is transferred to you.

I'm hungry, man. I cannot even DESCRIBE to you the huge salad I had three hours ago (I try to though in the vid below). I'm going to go eat. And eat. And eat. I can eat whatever I want as long as it's raw! That goes for dried fruits and seeds and nuts ... something "regular" dieters might be able to have, but only in limited amounts. Not me. A lot of this food I used to view as special --- treats. Grapes, watermelon, bananas, dried fruit, pecans, etc. Before I'd have a little of them here and there, supplementing my "regular" diet --- but now I can (and do) eat immense amounts of them, and I feel great! And my body is working, I can tell. That's why I'm hungry so soon after I've eaten. My body is burning up the food as fuel, giving me energy, and when it needs more, I give it more.

It's really cool, just observing the changes. I feel pretty good about it. Not deprived at all.

Day 1 Raw Ya'all

Raw Hummus Recipe

Wonderful recipe for raw hummus I found on the innernahs. It's really very good, I promise!



2-3 zucchini
cumin to taste
juice of one lemon
approx 1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
2 cloves garlic (or more, depending on your tastes)
sea salt to taste
2 - 3 tablespoons tahini

Mix and eat!

The day before I go raw

It's Sunday, the day before I start going raw. I have some thoughts about it, most of them good, and for the most part I'm very excited about getting started on a process I know will be extremely beneficial to me.

I'm tired today. I had to take Benadryl to get to sleep. That's something I hope will change very soon, what with the incorporation of raw foods, exercise and lots of water into my diet. I think I have to change a whole lot, not just the way I eat --- and I'm prepared to do that.

I called a not-for-profit organization today and inquired about a position there. I'd probably make far less than I do now, but it's a meaningful organization and I know I'd thrive in a situation like that. So ... a lot of things are beginning and ending in my life. Lots of it is hard, but I think all of it is good.

Why Go Raw

Going Raw

Starting Monday I'll be going back to 80% - 90% raw. I'm going to do this for at least two weeks for detoxification and then re-evaluate at that time to see if I want to continue. Last year around this time I had been eating raw for nearly a month and felt incredibly good because of it. I also looked great -- my skin looked shiny and polished and even the tenacious rash on my leg abated altogether.

Breakfast:
Fruit smoothie
Lunch:
Juices, raw nuts, berries, raw cheese

Dinner:
Spinach salad, seeds, nuts, fruit

I'll drink fruit juices (blueberry, carrot, orange, grape --- all organic) throughout the day along with lots of water.

I'll be weighing myself as well, and even though I don't need to lose weight, I'd like to see how much I lose nonetheless. A slimmer person who still manages to lose weight eating raw is indicative of the significant amount a heavier person will lose by doing the same.

Why I'm doing this:

I'm feeling run down again. I have a lot on my plate right now and I have to be physically able to deal with it all. I'd like more energy and verve. Also, I'm toying with the idea of becoming clinically "underweight" as a means to mitigate my high blood pressure. I read in Dr. Joel Fuhrman's informative book, Eat To Live, that it is possible to handle high blood pressure naturally if a person drops approximately ten pounds below their "ideal" body weight. This intrigues me as there's nothing I'd like more than to get off the pills-for-life regime I presently suffer (synthroid for thyroid and avapro for high blood pressure).

However, given my interest in natural beauty, I might not like the way I look if I am too thin. So we'll see.

The anatomy of a healthy smoothie

I'm not a big breakfast eater, and so in lieu of a large meal I tend to make some kind of smoothie chock full of things to keep me going for a few hours.

I drink these nearly every day, if not at breakfast than at lunch -- sometimes even for dinner. They're easy to make, delicious and extremely healthy for you.

The ingredients are not difficult to find or hard to use. I'll explain why I personally use them, too, so you can decide whether you want to begin incorporating some of these things into the smoothies you make at home.

• 8 to 12 oz water or orange juice for base
• Fresh or frozen fruit
• 1 - 3 tablespoons coconut oil
• Nascent iodine, 4 drops
• Biotics Research Aqueous Multi Plus
• 1 teaspoon blue agave

Let's go through them one by one:

Orange juice: Oranges are a superfood. Superfoods are foods which contain important nutrients not usually found in other foods. Basically they are the superheroes of foods. The more we eat these foods the healthier we will be. I try to eat as much off the superfood list as I possibly can each day.

In this case, when unable to consume actual oranges, use orange juice. Get organic with all the pulp, if you can. I realize in the picture above I've got Tropicana and that's because wow, I'm kind of human and also totally budget conscious. Still, I get organic whenever I can. What's also wonderful, though, is using a filtered water base with actual orange slices mixed in with the rest of your fruit.

Fresh or frozen fruit: Everybody needs about five servings of fruit a day, isn't that what thye say? Personally I can't imagine eating that much whole fruit (I'm not as big a fruit lover as others I know) and so this smoothie is a good way for me to get what I need all in one go. Remember: fruit should never be eaten with anything else because the digestive processes required to break down fruit are different from the processes used to break down protein and carbohydrates. If you eat fruit with anything else, the fruit will be last to be processed, and this will cause fermentation in your stomach.

One other thing to remember is that the darker the fruit, or more vibrantly colorful, the more healthy and anti-oxidant rich. Blueberries are also a superfood and I tend to always have them on hand, either to throw into smoothies like these or to put on top of my oatmeal (oats? also a superfood). Unsweetened blueberry jam is also a healthy treat to have around the house --- use liberally on toast or scones or whatever you like. Blackberries are also fab in smoothies, as well as strawberries --- but one warning about strawberries: only eat organic. There's more pesticide found on strawberries than nearly any other fruit.

Coconut Oil: I recently wrote a post on what I consider to be the miraculous properties of coconut oil. As such I not only apply coconut oil liberally to my body, but also ingest it one to three times a day. It adds a nice flavor in this smoothie, and so I recommend it.

Nascent Iodine: I use nascent (or atomic) iodine specifically as a tonic for my thyroid, but its benefits, I believe, are legion:

...another, more modern form of Iodine is nascent iodine. It is a consumable iodine in it's atomic form rather than it's molecular form. It can hold an electromagnetic charge which basically means it has a huge release of energy when consumed.
According to Dr Guy Abraham Iodine is detected in every organ and tissue in the body. And so essential is it for life that a deficiency in it will bring a wide variety of afflictions (including cancer) that are difficult to trace back to the trace mineral, iodine. It used to be routinely added to bread as a supplement up until 20 years ago.
60 million mainland Japanese consume a daily average of 13.8 mg of elemental iodine, and they are one of the healthiest nations based on overall well being and cancer statistics - Abraham, G.E.
Because iodine deficiency results in increased iodine trapping by the thyroid, iodine deficient individuals of all ages are more susceptible to radiation-induced thyroid cancer.
Iodine occurs naturally in very small quantities in Salt (iodized), Cod, Shrimp, Tuna, Milk, Eggs and in much, much larger quantities in Seaweed. Some companies also offer it as a supplement.
Source.
(Please note that the referenced article also indicates an added benefit when taking nascent iodine with transdermal magnesium. I intend to write a post about the wonders of transdermal magnesium and how it has positively impacted my own health. Look for it soon.)

The few drops of nascent iodine used in this smoothie are undetectable.

Biotics Research Aqueous Multi Plus: This liquid vitamin supplement was recommended to me by my trusted integrative M.D. I've taken a lot of supplements, as it's my opinion that the traditional diet no longer provides for the essential vitamins and minerals we all need. I recommend this brand because it works for me. If taken by the tablespoon it tastes a bit like orange flavored cough syrup, though not nearly as objectionable (if you, like me, hate taking cough syrup). I have no problem whatsoever with it, and it too is undetectable in this smoothie.

Blue Agave Nectar: I don't use too much of this as obviously this is a sweet enough smoothie without it. However, sometimes I use more tart fruits like pineapple and the like, and in those cases agave sweetens nicely. I prefer it to honey. Clearly, add according to your own taste.

Enjoy!

Be Enough

Today someone jokingly said something to me and it hurt me. Actually it hurt me pretty deeply.

I know he didn't mean it to hurt me and in fact probably wasn't thinking about me at all as he said it, but it stung nonetheless. When he said what he did I was struck with the idea that I will never be good enough for anybody, not even myself. It wasn't his ultimate message but it's what I heard. Because the problem is mine. Sure, maybe he was a little insensitive but the fact is that I am constantly in a position to receive those messages because part of me believes those messages to be true.

My logical mind assures me the messages are complete rubbish but the heart seems to absorb them nonetheless. And it's the heart that has the greatest ability to hurt us.

We're all wounded in one way or another. We carry our crosses. We all get hurt, too, and lots of times it's by people who don't mean us any harm but who nonetheless hit us where it injures the most. Who knows what it is for you? I only know what it is for me.

It's in these times that I am struck by how much work I still have to do. The enormity of what lies ahead immobilizes me. I can manage the micro only; the macro is too much to take on at once. I'm also aware of how alone I am on this journey --- which is as it should be --- but it's a hard pill to swallow. Sometimes I wish others would understand more or even help me carry it, but it's not their duty to do so. It is not their work. I get that.

And so I get hurt, I might even trip up for awhile, but then I keep going. Because I'm the only me that I've got.

And it's got to be enough.

Health: It's So Important

I did better today.

One coffee, one coke, one glass of wine, a large bowl of soup. Some water.

I hate to admit that the above constitutes "better", but it does.

At present my constitution is weak. I keep hurting myself, trying to become stronger. As if the universe doth conspire. Yet it doesn't. It's honestly just me. What I've done to myself.

Granted, I went through all that medical drama. It's not insignificant. Laying inert for so long, a body can forget its better days. But I've wanted those better days, and badly. Not the perfect form --- no. Just health. Wellness.

Last summer I was doing a lot of spiritual work. The more work I did, the more refined my diet became. Not in a dysfunctional way. In a ... spiritual way.

I began to become intolerant of wine. Hard liquor. Red meat. Coffee. It started in June (and I believe it's all documented here in this blog) and by August I was vegan. Not just vegan, but my food was approximately 90% raw. My skin glowed. I had boundless energy. The feeling of failure vanished; I'd accomplished my own rescue.

Used to be I could do something for a week and then pretend I'd done it a lifetime. I could eat salads, drink smoothies, supplement. One week? Done. After that? As long as I wanted. Precedents are important to me.

Yet here, now, I cannot even fathom a week. Myopia. It's the bottom of the well in which I'm currently residing. Stress has dumped me here, and people, and conditions. Mortal coil conditions.

Even as I wrote that I knew it was a cop out.

I have dumped me here. Me. Me.

I cannot ask anybody else to throw the proverbial rope down to me, either. I've got to dig fingernails into cold stone grooves and hoist my own self out of this dark. I know can do it. God, I know I can.

This comes off dramatic, I realize that. But it's that critical. You have no idea, not really. I've been trying to tell you for some time ---- it's very important.

The Miracles of Coconut Oil

I have been using Coconut Oil (raw, certified organic) for some time now. I apply it topically and also ingest it. People get scared hearing about me actually eating it; they worry that it's a saturated fat and will somehow adversely affect my cholesterol, weight, heart and general health. The amazing thing is that coconut oil actually helps with all of that.

Topically I am quite liberal with it, applying it all over the body to smooth and heal my skin. (I often supplement my coconut oil with cacao butter which is also very healing -- I must say, I'm a pretty good smelling woman. ;) ) When "on plan" I also ingest approximately 1 - 3 tablespoons a day, usually pouring it into orange juice or incorporating it into a fruit smoothie.

I have extremely sensitive skin. The older I get, for whatever reason, the more intolerant I become to medicines, foods, lotions, perfumes, dyes, detergents. I have a long standing (and usually dormant) rash of indeterminate origin on my left calf which becomes inflamed any time I come into contact with something aggravating to my body, which, in this day and age, is more frequent than I like. Coconut oil is one of the only things that not only soothes this rash but also eliminates it. (Magnesium oil has been utterly essential as well. I will write more about that in the future.)

I'm from Hawaii. I'm also an Irish white girl. Back when I was a kid living on Maui and Oahu, nobody used sunscreen; ah those innocent times when women looked sixty by the age of 35. Anyway, given location and ethnicity, I burned to the point of blistering more times than I care to recall. Nonetheless, I have good skin. In fact I have great skin for my age (certainly according to my doctors), and I have absolutely no doubt that it's because I use products like organic coconut oil. I am not over-stating the effect it's had on my life. It's part of a health and beauty regimen to which I'm diligent, and I think it really shows.

I see other women my age, some a decade or more younger. At times I can't believe how old they look; how dried out; how wrinkled. Not me, though, and I'm being real. There's moisture in my skin and it's smooth. It's healthy.

And it's not just about my skin. Again, coconut oil is good for overall health. For example I also have Hashimoto's thyroiditis which results in hypothyroidism, or a slow/sluggish thyroid. The thyroid, as you may or may not know, regulates metabolism, so when it's sluggish it's a real quality of life issue. Before being diagnosed I was literally bed ridden 80% of the time. I remember my young child drawing a picture for me --- a picture of me --- and in it the bed was actually a part of my body. She couldn't differentiate between the mattress and me --- shocking!

I was fatigued, losing hair, gaining weight (no matter how little I ate or hard I worked out) as well as experiencing a whole host of other symptoms. The coconut oil has helped with all of this. I still take thyroid medication but also supplement with the oil and nascent iodine. The results have been nothing short of miraculous. I no longer take naps. I no longer feel fatigued. I no longer have brittle hair and red, dry skin; I have shed all extra weight and feel healthier at this age than I did twenty years ago. I also feel I look better now than then, hands down.

Many things contribute to my current state, to be sure. I am not claiming to be the picture of health, but I am saying that certain things have helped immensely even when I haven't taken the best care of myself. I am interested in eating for beauty and organic skin care; my library is stocked with books about diet, nutrition and herbs used for beauty and vibrancy. I don't do all that I need to do all the time, but I do enough.

Coconut oil is integral to my approach and I recommend it strongly.

To review the specific product I use, click image:

Also potentially of interest: The Coconut Oil Miracle (Previously published as The Healing Miracle of Coconut Oil)

Intriguing Smoothie Recipe I Must Try

Found this smoothie recipe online and it looks quite good. Lots goes into it, obviously, and perhaps I wouldn't use all ingredients, but man, tons of power nutrients listed here.
I'm going to try it, and am posting it here for my own records.

Start off with half an inch of water and put it into your vitamix.
Add:

1. Spoon of raw and organic honey
2. Spoon of raw/organic coconut oil
3. Pinch of organic sea salt
4. Handful of organic cashews or organic brazil nuts
5. Two squirts of vanilla stevia

Blend on high until silky smooth. Now you have your base!
Now Add:

1. Half a cup of Organic Frozen Berries (or fresh berries like strawberry, raspberry, blueberry, etc.)
2. 1.5 - 2 cups Coconut water or some kind of nut milk (I prefer coconut water, but I do use nut milk sometimes. Such as vanilla almond milk or hemp milk)
3. 2 to 3 (or more :)) big tablespoons of Cacao Powder
4. 1 - 2 teaspoons of Goji Berry Extract powder
5. Handful of Goji Berries
6. 2 to 3 tablespoons of some kind of seeds (I like Chia seeds the best. But you can use flax seeds)
7. 1 - 3 scoops of SunWarrior Protein
8. 1 - 2 tablespoons of tocotrienols
9. 1-2 tablespoons of SunWarrior activated barley (optional)
10. 1 tablespoon of maca extreme (be careful! :))
11. 1 -2 tablespoons of The Sun is Shining (or spirulina)
12. 1 tablespoon of organic peanut butter (optional)

Blend that all up until smooth and enjoy!
You can basically mix and match ANYTHING you want and be okay. The more you put, the thicker the smoothie will be. As you start making more of them and watching what you put everyday, you’ll get a good idea of what works for you. There is so much you can put into smoothies its incredible. Like I said, once you have your base, you can dump stuff in and it’ll still taste good! The ingredients above are just some of the things I put in my smoothies. Some days I put other stuff and substitute. All depends on what you feel like.
The best part is, they taste GREAT and they make you feel GREAT.

Kimmer is just part of the problem

As some of you know, I have a great interest in diet and nutrition. This of course is ironic as, like most of you also know, I struggle mightily with my own weaknesses in this area. I'm not alone in this, however. If anything, I'm in the majority. I'm probably a lot like you.

Many of us are specifically looking for a way out of the endless diet loop; a way to "lose weight fast" and "keep it off". We want to lose thirty pounds in a month in order to fit into a wedding dress. We want that beach body by summer. These rationalizations miss the mark and drive far too many to do truly unhealthy things to themselves.

A few years back I was a "low carber". I ate very few carbohydrates (even the complex kind, which are necessary to good health) as well as no refined sugars. I started the LC program because my brother had been diagnosed with extremely high (read: absurd) cholesterol and "prescribed" a low carb way of life (specifically, Atkins). At the time it seemed ridiculous to me; eating all that meat and fat in order to lower numbers. Still, he did it for years and actually brought his cholesterol down*. He also said he felt good and had more energy.

Since I'm predisposed to the same conditions as Jesse, particularly high blood pressure, I decided to give his seemingly successful Way Of Eating (WOE) a go and joined him in eating that way for nearly a year.

(I am not going to go into an exhausting treatment of the low carb lifestyle. It's a controversial subject and believe me, I've seen (and been a part of) every debate. Suffice it to say I no longer personally eat that way and am exceedingly the happier for it. I find too many low carb programs** to be unhealthy and just plain bad for the body.)

During that year of low carbing I became involved in various online forums. The most popular was Low Carb Friends. I enjoyed the people there, got tips and recipes and even developed a friendship or two. All in, it was a cool community. Which brings me to my point.

If any of you were on the LCF board over the past 1 - 3 years, you may remember hearing a lot about someone named "Kimmer". (Who am I kidding? I'm sure you did.) When I was there, Kimmer (and her followers) were touting a supremely austere permutation of the low carb lifestyle, which really wasn't a permutation at all: it was straight-up starvation wrapped in a low-carb bunless burger. Minus the burger.

Kimmer claimed to have lost 198 pounds in eleven months on her "plan". Eleven months! She was also willing to share all those low carb diet secrets --- for the right price, of course. She created a website to sell those secrets, charging $60 a membership. Low carb devotees flocked. As just an example of Kimmer's plan -- quaintly called Kimkins -- people were actually told to achieve what's called SNATT, which stands for "semi-nauseous all the time". Lovely, right? And if you weren't in the state of SNATT then by God you were doing Kimkins incorrectly.

The "diet" itself called for 300 - 500 calories a day, which, hello, is starvation. Seems anybody who knows even the smallest amount about healthy eating would be able to see that, but no. Kimkins blew up with all kinds of people, especially the pro-ana communities. Within a year's time Kimmer (real name Heidi Diaz) pulled in something like 1.2 million in online sales.

Yes, 1. 2 million.

But then something else happened. People following Kimkins -- the ones who'd bought the memberships and into the program -- began losing things like .... hair. Skin luminoscity. Energy. They were becoming sick. Some would even make inquiries about these symptoms only to be told they were eating too much food.

The kicker? Former "Kimkins" devotees, smelling something foul at last, hired a private investigator to find and follow Heidi Diaz. Know what she looks like?

Wait for it...

This.

Yes, that's right. Not only is Kimmer handing out dangerous and potentially fatal "diet" advice, she is also morbidly obese (weighing in at 300+ pounds) and follows none of that advice herself. Click here for actual video surveillance of Heidi Diaz. It's precious.

It's also enough to sicken me. Don't worry about Kimmer though --- she's being sued and her name is being bandied about on myriad television programs. Any profit she made will no doubt be pissed away (if there is a God) as lawyer bills pour in. It's called karma and it couldn't have happened to a greater gal.

Stories like this make my blood boil. I can't tell you how many supplements I've tried through my life, or WsOE, all in some vain hope to achieve "optimum health". What I didn't know then, however, and which I do know now, is that health is not for sale. Health is also singular to the individual, meaning nobody is ever going to teach you the right way to be healthy (or even thin) except you. What works for you might not work for the next guy because you have unique needs. There's only one you.

And so the answer? Listen to your body.

Yes, it really is as simple as that. Listen to your body as it tells you exactly what you need to know, to do, to eat. This is roughly what intuitive eating is; it involves acknowledging your hunger and then examining it to figure out what your body is truly asking for. For example, maybe your first inclination is to eat ice cream, but the more you examine the inclination or hunger, the more you realize that what you really want is oranges. Or water. Or spinach. Or even, yeah --- ice cream. It's about ultimately eating what the body truly wants; as much as you like without pigging out. Doesn't sound so bad, right?

My point is that you don't need someone else to "teach" you how to listen to your own self. Sure, a lot of us have supremely lost our way, and that's why good and reputable books like If You're Going To Eat At The Refrigerator, Pull Up A Chair (Geneen Roth) help us to listen and re-learn. That's fine. Information never hurt anybody.

But your body will always do the work for you, if you let it. The body always seeks its way back to wellness and balance and will achieve it if you get out of your own way. Don't let scam artists like Heidi Diaz and other so called "experts" make you think you can't do this by yourself. You not only can, you should. You're the only expert that matters.

You're the only one who can heal yourself.

*as far as I know, Jesse now has a modified low-carb WOE and couples it with (what I consider to be) a bananas amount of hardcore exercise. He's certainly trim, but I worry about his health. His cholesterol goes up and down, but it is frequently high.

**not all low carb programs are created alike. One or two actually make sense, such as The Goddess Diet, which I will review in an upcoming post.

Intuit

Let's talk more about this intuitive eating business.

Not now or anything.

I'm far too busy attempting to intuit what to eat.

My mind is shrieking an entire leg of lamb but maybe what it's really saying is: asparagus and air.

Gut Spill

I'll tell you what: on paper, I certainly have all the answers.

See, it's never been about information. It's never been about knowing things and referencing them at will. What it's been about, actually, is implementing that which I already know, and this, my friends, is where I fall short.

So very short.

Why. Why? I ask myself this all the time. Why? I won't bemoan my faults. They are legion and plus most of you know them already. You know how I do so well only to go off the rails on a crazy train. How I consistently fall short. You're probably as frustrated as I am. I'm sorry for that.

My food is dictated by my emotions. If someone hurts me I either starve or I eat. Either way it's a punishment of self; a kind of affirmation of what's been externally laid upon me. It's so much uglier that way, when we do it to ourselves.

Believe me, I know.

I've had a long standing eating disorder. I like to tell people I don't "practice" this eating disorder anymore, mainly because I don't want them to worry. But urges never leave you, not really. I imagine it's the same for an alcoholic or someone who gambles compulsively. Maybe they "practice" restraint, but inwardly they always have that particular Achilles heel. They are always aware of that ever-present skulking shadow of who they could be.

Because they know what they're capable of.

Me too. For real. Me too. I was bulimic for many years. That's hard to say out loud or in print. It's a distasteful condition and I absolutely get that. Mine was different by degree, I suppose: I purged but I did not binge. It was all about austerity. About a kind of punishment, I think. And a kind of control.

I constructed a "box" filled with things I allowed myself to eat --- healthy things, good things, unrealistic things. The only problem was that the box got smaller and smaller, ceaselessly. Soon it was a dot and not a box. Soon no food actually lived within that box, only woe, only judgment. I could eat nothing. Everything I did put into my mouth was a transgression; something I felt deeply. Painfully.

Until I got rid of it.

I'm smart, I'll tell you that right now. I know a lot of you think I'm vain but in actuality I'm not. In fact I'm egregiously demure in a lot of ways, as well as unsure to a fault. However, I know I'm smart. What I'm saying is: I know how to eat. I have all the books. I've done all the research. It's not rocket science, people.

Believe it or not I'm actually passionate (and well educated) about good nutrition. It's just that this information never seems to extend to me. Just other people. I feed them, I make sure they're well. But me?

Starve, bitch.

Pay, bitch.

Why. Why. Why? Don't make me go to my father. Honestly, just don't. I don't want to. God that's dark. It's hard to even sit with, here in this room.

Don't make me go to my mother either, or the hell she went through, the price she paid for simply being alive. Or the evil she did and never acknowledged.

Don't let me go to my brother, please, because to me he is a Man Among Men. The prototype. Don't make me go to him though, to the loneliness, to all that we shared and witnessed together; two children huddled together in the dark. Don't let me go to the abandonment when he left me. Don't make me feel that.

That's why. It's why. Why! I have been to countless therapists. I've ripped open my person; I've spilled out these things to them, each one. Yet none of them have helped. I've charmed the lot of them; I've been such a good girl on that couch. Because I am a good girl, see? I am a good person. I am someone who wants to be the best for all the best reasons.

Still, I'm woefully incapable. They never saw it. They bought into the intellect. They bought into the smile. They thought it meant wellness. They thought it meant I was well!

But I've never been well.

Oh I'm sorry, folks. This will probably be down come morning, because it's all too raw and too disclosing to share. But it's also the damned truth. I like telling the truth, even when it pains me. I figure somebody out there will read it and they'll relate on some level. Maybe we'll commiserate. Maybe that's why I'm here. I wish I knew.

Ok, perhaps in actuality I have no answers, only more questions. I only know that I want to be what I believe I can be. She's such a grand person, this woman I see in my mind. I want to be just like her.

Is there some kind of way?

Keeping Track

Yesterday, hummus with cucumber and tomato on whole grain flat bread crackers. Twice. Coffee. Some water.

Today, hummus with cucumber and tomato, spinach salad with chicken, bleu cheese, oil & vinegar dressing, one glass of wine.

Vitamins both days (Reliv) with coconut oil.

...Just marking my progress, ya'alls.

Og say food good

When eating is a chore, you know there's a bigger problem

I think part of the problem here is that eating has begun to feel a bit like a chore, at least when I am home. "Oh dear, now I have to go and get the blender out, and the juice, and the fruit, and the coconut oil. Oh, now I have to mix it all up and then I have to drink it."

I put it off indefinitely because I'd rather be doing something else. Then what happens? I find myself at 5pm either faint or really hungry. When you're faint you'll shove anything in your mouth to make it go away; same goes when you're hungry.

Today I was in the middle of watching my taped The Bachelor: After The Rose (priorities, ppl) and I knew I had to eat. I was ravenous. I also knew I'd "started over", which in my case means, well, eating. And eating well. But it was such a good Bachelor! I couldn't believe what I was seeing! I didn't want to leave!

But I'd started over.

Sometimes I think I like being hungry. Or I like denying myself in some way; it's like control. Maybe it's an outward expression of something going on inside of me, something ambiguous I cannot define and which I'm only now beginning to perceive. I don't know. I have wrestled with eating disorders in the past; it would not surprise me if there was a distorted emotional component charging this whole thing.

In any case, I ultimately made a spinach salad with seeds and some chicken breast. I ate it all. I felt better instantly, and in a lot of ways.

And then I finished After The Rose.

My God, did you people see that?

Starting Over

I haven't been taking care of myself.

It wasn't that long ago (early summer?) that my body began telling me things I should and should not eat, and I listened. I grew my own tomatoes, my own herbs, my own cucumbers. I ate homemade hummus and crowned it with my very own harvest. I drank water and stopped drinking coffee because it literally made me sick. As did all alcohols. I ate spinach every day, as well as a variety of seeds and nuts, and cut out all meat (not on principle, but because my body literally phased those things out).

I was...healthy. I actually felt good.

Oh how the Crystals have fallen. Ever since my first surgery I have, for the most part, forgotten to eat. It's not driven by some misbegotten need to be thin, but rather a complete disregard for self, as well as an inappropriate focus on things of less importance. In other words, Crystal became secondary. Why feed and nurture my own body? Everything seemed wrong in my life, so why not my nutrition, too?

I didn't care.

On the train home the other day I had an intuitive flash, such as some of you know I do. It was of a fruit smoothie, believe it or not, with coconut oil in it. Benign, I'm sure you're thinking: maybe she was just hungry. But I wasn't. And it wasn't the visual that was important, but the feeling in my na'au (as we say in Hawaii), or spiritual gut, that was most relevant. And also frightening.

It was a warning.

I must get this back on track. My health is precarious because I have now made it so, along with the myriad procedures, etc., I have suffered in the last half year or so. Now I must undertake a nutritional intervention on myself. I have to go all-in again, becoming completely proactive, because if I don't, grim things may very well trickle down the pike in my direction. I do not want this.

You may think this is superstition but it's not. See, our bodies talk to us all the time. They tell us we need water, or minerals, or iron, etc. It's just that we don't listen, and in my case, I purposely stopped listening. Now look at me: my jeans all sag, my face is pale and there's no glow on my cheeks, at least compared to what used to be.

And so, today, I start again.

Three days I'd rather not live over, thanks.

I knew it was coming.

I knew at some point I'd be put in a situation where I would have to eat the kinds of food I used to eat, that being meat, mayonnaise, french fries, etc. I had put it off for a long time. When going out I'd eat very little, or just bread, always making sure to eat beforehand or after. It's been nearly three months that I've been a vegetarian. Not because of some rabid perspective about it, but because it feels better to me and I genuinely like it. Also, should the case arise and I want to eat meat, I will definitely eat meat. It's just that the case hasn't really arisen ... until this weekend.

I was out all weekend, at bars with friends, at bars listening to bands, and then one final hoorah at home with guests in celebration. The first night out I had a "veggie sandwich" which consisted of gross white bread buns, sauteed mushrooms with mozzarella and some fried peppers. I had to eat it because I also had a cosmopolitan (first time I'd had hard liquor in as long as I've been a vegetarian) (Wait! I forgot about those two sidecars!). I was sick all night. I felt awful the next day, too, and that's when I went to see a band I know play. I had too much to drink and fell down in the parking lot, cutting my knee. I didn't even drink that much! I also had french fries, I think, and the next day paid for it dearly. My body was screaming no! no! to all the food and alcohol I'd consumed. I woke up feeling guilty and broken.

And then yesterday at the in-home party, we barbecued "hawaiian style" chicken (which btw, is fabulous) and ate it with mac salad (Hawaii staple) and white rice. I didn't eat a lot and in fact had been drinking filtered water with lemon all day (this cleans the liver). Still, as soon as I ate it I got sick and I mean sick.

Know what I learned? It's just not worth it to go back. Know what else I learned? That's the kind of jazz I was eating and drinking all the time before, and look what it does to the body! Look how the body rejects it!

I will always allow for the occasional dietary deviation -- but never again will I do it three days in a row. It will take me all week to feel strong and whole again.

Out in the garden

Snapshots from today in the garden.
I was very excited to get in there and get my hands dirty.

I wear this outfit nearly every time I garden, and have for years.
Because I'm a farmer and all.

***

The garden was overgrown and dry.
Still, the Greek oregano managed to come back
like gang busters, as did the sage.


***
Getting my hands dirty. Gardening is actually hard work, yo.
After hours of this kind of squatting as well as all the shoveling and angling,
my body aches. It's a good ache, though.


***
Final result. I prioritized this year, only planting the things I knew I would use.

It's been a good day.

Lifestyle Issues

I haven't posted any new recipes because truth be told I've been on a cleanse of sorts. I do drink smoothies, however, chock full of all manner of glorious things, and I have taken pictures as well as noted which blends make me feel particularly well, and why. Awhile back I also candied some tomatoes and made some fun and delicious flavored oils; photos and recipes of all these things to come at some point in the near future.

Mainly though I am eating a lot of raw foods. Spinach, nuts, seeds, cherries, bananas, etc. I use a little bit of olive oil to dress my veggies, and the rest of the time I use raw virgin coconut oil for medicinal reasons. I get more than enough healthy fats using that. I mix the coconut oil with orange juice (about a tablespoon to half a glass) and drink three times a day. The oil helps with thyroid function (I have Hashimoto's) and I am amazed over the great things it's doing for my skin, and also my energy levels. I will post more expansively on this soon.

Basically I eat the same thing nearly every day. This doesn't make good fodder for a food blog of course, but I will perhaps begin to include my observations on living 90% raw, as well as how this lifestyle is affecting my general well-being. I believe in nutritional intervention. I believe in holistic care. I believe in being the staunchest advocate for my own health care, and one way I do this is by trying to ingest things I know will truly feed my body. It's been a reverent exercise. The body truly is a temple, and the more we treat it as such, the better we begin to feel in so many areas of our life.

So, if nobody minds some deviation from the tried and true course (that being rad recipes that taste awesome), you'll be hearing from me more often on a variety of nutrtional topics currently of interest to me.

Peace.